I love life but I am equally scared of death. Or, maybe because I am so scared of dying, I embrace life so dearly and dream of living for like a 100 years.
.
.
I am an expressive person, but at times like this, I generally find it difficult to find my words. I always struggle between ‘I should say something’ and ‘nothing I say will ever be enough’. So, I just let the person know that I am there, if they need to talk. I cannot move past it. I will mull over it for days and weeks and months. Questioning life, questioning our existence and morality. How do I tell someone I will miss them when they are gone? How do I tell when that person doesn’t even remember me?
.
It all happened gradually. He started forgetting. One word at a time. He struggled forming a sentence, and tried replacing the forgotten word with something that he remembered, but alas it never made sense to us, unless he pointed out. Unless he gestured frantically with his hands and creased forehead. Sometimes succeeding, sometimes fuming with uncontrollable rage.
.
.
For the longest time he only remembered his name. He would tap his hand on his chest and say his name out loud. As if all that mattered was remembering who he was. The pride in his eyes when he would say his own name was unmistakable. He would smile occasionally, fleetingly. And, for that few seconds it feels like everything came back to him.
.
.
I wonder if he misses his memory. I would have asked, but I was away all those times. His hearing was poor and so we stopped talking on the phone. I would see him one or twice whenever I was home. I wonder if he misses his music, the place he grew up in, the time he held me close and carried me everywhere on his back. I wonder what experiences he carries in his heart. I will never know, because, he has been out of words for few years now. I wonder, where do words go when they leave us.
.
.
Aaita (grandmother) says she is ready now. I wonder how she prepared herself and how many days it took her to say that out loud. I wonder if he told her, that he is finally putting his guards down against Alzheimer, in their own special sign language.
khimpidutta 